Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Rollercoaster down

So, after riding high for a few days, I'm having trouble again today.  My wife and I were talking last night, and she hasn't been dealing with things as well as I have.  She worries that this won't be enough for me, and that I'll need to transition, and she'll have to leave me because she's into guys.  I haven't been able to soothe her fears.  Even though I don't feel like I need to transition now, I don't feel like I could promise I wouldn't ever feel that way.  After all, I like the idea of being a girl, I just don't want the pain and collateral damage it would cause. 

Strangely enough, it never really dawned on me that she'd leave me because of that.  When I considered how I'd feel if the situation were reversed, I just thought I'd be gay and love boy-Wife.  It isn't fair of me to expect that she could change her sexual orientation to be with girl-Me, just as she doesn't expect me to choose my gender identity.  I feel bad for being so selfish about that now.

We talked for a long time, and I cried more than I have in years.  I think my crying made her feel better, in a way.  I'm usually kinda emotionless, and she's a worrier, so I think me worrying about things helped validate her worries. 

It's been a few days since I started this post, and things have changed again in the meantime.  I just wanted to write everything out about that point in time before I continued.  Being able to write everything out has really helped me think through and articulate a lot of this stuff.  Anyhow, I'm feeling better, my wife and I are taking this on in a slightly different way, and I'll update again when I get a chance.

No comments:

Post a Comment