Saturday, November 13, 2010


This has been a back and forth few days.  After committing to repress my feelings, and trying for a day, and being sad, my wife and I talked again.   She doesn't want to hurt me, or to keep me from being who I really am.  But she's also not interested in having a sexual relationship with a woman, and is worried that she won't be what I want when I figure myself out.

I'm not sure of lots of things right now, but I've always felt like she's the only one I want to be with.  No matter how much I reassure her of that, she still worries.  She has trust issues from previous relationships/childhood, and this has turned her world upside down some, so I'm not surprised.  I really love her lots, and feel a bit of guilt over how much anguish this has caused her already.  I worry that my trip down this rabbit hole will hurt her more.

So, we talked, and set some limits, and she's ok with me trying to figure this out more.  She's suggested a gender therapist twice now, and mentioned gender dysphoria, so I know she's been reading on her own.  Seeing a therapist scares me.  I did that briefly when I was a younger, and have never felt comfortable talking to a stranger about my innermost feelings.  Also, I still fear whatever this is, and worry about discovering things that will drive my wife away.

My wife said she'd be ok with me dressing up completely sometime.  I've had her clothes on occasionally without her, but would like something of my own, and my own wig and makeup.   She left it open if she'd be involved or not (and probably not sober if she is).  I wish she'd be there with me, but I'll be ok if she's not.  I'd rather not make her uncomfortable, and wouldn't want her dealing with her feelings about it to get in the way of me dealing with mine.

When I was trying to repress everything, I was trying to block out and avoid anything feminine.  There were a lot of things I noticed that trigger feelings for me.  My skin was dry and I wanted to facial mask like I had before with my wife.  She started talking about her eyelash brush having clumps, and I tried to be disinterested.  She rubbed my chest as we laying in bed and talked, and it felt really good, but I didn't want it to.  She fell asleep before me, and I wished I could get out of bed and dress.  

So, my plan going forward is just to be myself.  It's a welcome change from trying to actively suppress my feminine feelings.  I'm happy to know that dressing up is an option, but I'm going to try just being myself and allowing myself to feel and express myself however feels best.  I'm happier.  My wife feels better.  So this seems good for now.  I'm hopeful for the future again.

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