Monday, December 27, 2010

living comfortably

I started this blog at a very terbulent time, when I needed an outlet to share my feelings outside my  normal support channels.  I'm happy to write I haven't really needed that lately, which is why it's been a while since I posted.

My wife has been wonderful about this.  She's been supportive of me, even when she feared this would tear us apart.  I'll update again soon, but just wanted to post I'm doing well and very happy.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Who I am

Since I started this blog, I've figured out my gender identity and how it'll impact my life, and since it's kinda important to the story I figured I should share.

I believe I am transgendered.  I believe I'm a lesbian woman with the body of a man.  I've felt more like a girl than a boy in some ways for a long time.  I wouldn't have always described it like that.. but the feelings have been there.  After I figured this out a week or so ago, I've felt much better.  I no longer feel guilty for liking girl things.  I didn't realize how much that was a part of my life until I tried to push it all out.  After that I admitted it to myself and my wife and allowed myself to be happy.

I don't have any plans to transition to living as a woman.  I guess more accurately, I don't plan to dress publicly with people I know.  I'm very comfortable with my feelings now, and I don't feel like less of a transgendered girl if I'm dressing like a boy.  I have young kids, and have an important job in one of the many states that allows discrimination against the transgendered, and my wife likes many things about my boy body.  So, I'm fine with dressing mostly like a boy, and it doesn't change how I feel.

That said, my wife has been very indulgent of my girly side lately.  I went out and bought my first outfit and makeup with her approval, and she bought me some sleepwear and painted my nails.  I don't _need_ to be a girl on the outside to be happy... but I do like it, and it makes me very happy to see my wife accepting me.

Not a novel

OK, I'm resolved to not write a novel of a blog post this time.  :)

Things are going swell.  My wife and I still have emotionally charged discussions about this, but it's just because it's an important issue.  We're not fighting or disagreeing.  My wife is troubled because I broke her trust some along the way (no i've never done this before.  yes i'll stop.  it's just a thing i wanted to try.  etc...)  She understands that I believed some of that myself, and other things I just really wanted to be true. 

She's told her sister and her best friend about it, and both have been supportive to us.  After I figured things out, I quickly became ok with myself, and ok with being 'outed'.  As soon as I knew I was transgendered and could admit it to myself, I was perfectly ok with everyone else knowing too.  I feel really lucky that I know who I am, and I'm comfortable with it, and that my wife is there for me.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

A new plan

So, my last post left off with my realizing that I really feel like a girl inside, and I was very sad because that's kinda incompatible with my wife's sexuality.  It's been very difficult for me to be completely honest about this, even to myself, as there's lots of reasons why that's undesirable.  A prime reason is that my wife is a heterosexual female and even though she loves me, she wants to be with a guy.  In particular, the guy she married. 

We talked more, and she felt better.  I think with me more defined, it's easier for her to figure out what she needs to do.  So she rationed that given the choice between me exploring my female side without her, and kinda developing separate lives, that she'd rather be accommodating and embrace my girlishness so it can be something we do together.  The other side of that is that she wants there to be less dichotomy between my 2 sides, so I'm not changing so much between guy and girl. 

Really, for the last couple of weeks, I haven't felt like I have 2 sides.  I've accepted my female side; stopped pushing it away; and internally I've just been happy without trying to label myself or fit in a mold.  I dressed up fully in my own clothes for the first time a few days ago.  It was very nice for my eyes to see my body match my feelings.  But when I was done, I really felt like the clothes were just frosting on the cupcake.  They didn't really change me, which is a good thing.  I'm not dependent on my clothes or appearance for my self-image.  I shouldn't be surprised, as I've always been very self-assured.

After my wife and I talked, like I said, she felt better.   I, however, was quite nervous.  More than ever I felt certain I was a girl inside.  My wife being accommodating really wouldn't make much difference if I was going to end up changing and driving her away.  She was very convinced that her being more accommodating in private would keep me from from needing to change in public, and so I feigned happiness and we went to bed.  The next day I was more nervous than ever.  I desperately wanted things to be OK, but I didn't know how I could be sure that they would be.  I was super busy, and really wanted a chance to sit and think to myself and figure things out.  I was busy working in the morning, and finally at lunch I went and sat in my car and just sat in silence and thought about everything.

I realized that since my clothes and body don't make much of a difference to my self-image and who I am, that they're really kinda a choice to me.  I can't change who I am, or how I feel inside, but I can choose how I present myself.  And I'm confident enough that I can present myself as a guy and it doesn't bother me.  So, I'm more confident now that things will work out, without having to flip my life upside down.

So that was yesterday.  I'm still feeling good.  My wife has went above and beyond since.  She painted my toenails clear last night, and bought me some unisex-looking but women's sleep pants today, and some fruity flavored chap-stick.  And, we may have some time to ourselves tomorrow, and she talked about going and getting facials or going shopping together.  I think she's pushing herself a bit farther than she's comfortable, but she seems OK. And I've _loved_ it. 

A small part of me feels like I'm not bring brave, and not being honest with myself.  I really think it's more that it's not only me that's affected by this, but me, my wife, and kids, and so I need to find something that's the best option for all of us.  I feel like this is good.  I feel like I have more control, and feel more comfortable with myself than I ever have.

Rollercoaster down

So, after riding high for a few days, I'm having trouble again today.  My wife and I were talking last night, and she hasn't been dealing with things as well as I have.  She worries that this won't be enough for me, and that I'll need to transition, and she'll have to leave me because she's into guys.  I haven't been able to soothe her fears.  Even though I don't feel like I need to transition now, I don't feel like I could promise I wouldn't ever feel that way.  After all, I like the idea of being a girl, I just don't want the pain and collateral damage it would cause. 

Strangely enough, it never really dawned on me that she'd leave me because of that.  When I considered how I'd feel if the situation were reversed, I just thought I'd be gay and love boy-Wife.  It isn't fair of me to expect that she could change her sexual orientation to be with girl-Me, just as she doesn't expect me to choose my gender identity.  I feel bad for being so selfish about that now.

We talked for a long time, and I cried more than I have in years.  I think my crying made her feel better, in a way.  I'm usually kinda emotionless, and she's a worrier, so I think me worrying about things helped validate her worries. 

It's been a few days since I started this post, and things have changed again in the meantime.  I just wanted to write everything out about that point in time before I continued.  Being able to write everything out has really helped me think through and articulate a lot of this stuff.  Anyhow, I'm feeling better, my wife and I are taking this on in a slightly different way, and I'll update again when I get a chance.

Sunday, November 21, 2010


It's rare that I dream, or at least rare that I remember them.  I like to believe in the Emotional Selection theory of why we dream, which is basically that it's a way for our brain to play out situations and test emotional responses to them and judge if they are appropriate.  I think in general, I've had things figured out for a while (my gender identity being a notable exception), and that there aren't many new situations I may encounter and not be prepared to handle, and that's related to my lack of dream recall.

But last night I dreamed as a girl.  I was at some fancy country club type place, outdoors, and there were some people gambling over a shuffleboard type game.  I had walked toward the end of the grassy alley where the rolled balls were landing, and a red one stopped by my foot, and got people in an uproar.  That's it. /shrug

My wife went out drinking with friends last night until 2:00a while I stayed home and watched the kids.  We had all kinds of drunken sex last night when she arrived home, which was very nice.  We had a brief (~ 4 days) hiatus from sex after I came out.  Both of us were just not feeling very comfortable with each other and situation, but I'm happy to report that's subsiding.  My worries that she would stop loving me or wanting to be with me are gone, as long as I live by the limits we set (this shouldn't affect job/kids, and that I don't permanently lose the guy traits that she loves), which are both things that I want too.  I think that her worries are going away too.  I'm starting to honestly feel like this is an enhancement to my life, rather than a detriment.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Best day evar

I had a really really good day.  I went shopping this morning and picked up my very first clothes of my very own, and first makeup.  It was a great experience, and I'm super proud of myself, happy to have my new clothes, and happy that my wife was ok with it.

I tried my clothes on later in the morning when I got a chance, and almost cried.  I was really able to see myself.  My clothes fit really well considering my inexperience and hastiness.  My shirt looked really good on me.  My jeans were a little big, but they fit.  And they were a super good bargain (on sale, and then they run up even cheaper than marked!) so I'm forgiving.  My body lines looked so good and curvy.  It was just a wonderful, wonderful feeling.  It was the first time I've felt really disappointed about going back to boy-mode.

My wife has been really understanding all day.  I think she's finding some peace with it.  She confided today that her worry is less about me being a girl, and more about not being a guy.  There's lots of things about me being a guy that she loves and doesn't want to give up.  That makes sense to me, and is easier for me to deal with than her not liking my female side.