Monday, December 27, 2010

living comfortably

I started this blog at a very terbulent time, when I needed an outlet to share my feelings outside my  normal support channels.  I'm happy to write I haven't really needed that lately, which is why it's been a while since I posted.

My wife has been wonderful about this.  She's been supportive of me, even when she feared this would tear us apart.  I'll update again soon, but just wanted to post I'm doing well and very happy.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Who I am

Since I started this blog, I've figured out my gender identity and how it'll impact my life, and since it's kinda important to the story I figured I should share.

I believe I am transgendered.  I believe I'm a lesbian woman with the body of a man.  I've felt more like a girl than a boy in some ways for a long time.  I wouldn't have always described it like that.. but the feelings have been there.  After I figured this out a week or so ago, I've felt much better.  I no longer feel guilty for liking girl things.  I didn't realize how much that was a part of my life until I tried to push it all out.  After that I admitted it to myself and my wife and allowed myself to be happy.

I don't have any plans to transition to living as a woman.  I guess more accurately, I don't plan to dress publicly with people I know.  I'm very comfortable with my feelings now, and I don't feel like less of a transgendered girl if I'm dressing like a boy.  I have young kids, and have an important job in one of the many states that allows discrimination against the transgendered, and my wife likes many things about my boy body.  So, I'm fine with dressing mostly like a boy, and it doesn't change how I feel.

That said, my wife has been very indulgent of my girly side lately.  I went out and bought my first outfit and makeup with her approval, and she bought me some sleepwear and painted my nails.  I don't _need_ to be a girl on the outside to be happy... but I do like it, and it makes me very happy to see my wife accepting me.

Not a novel

OK, I'm resolved to not write a novel of a blog post this time.  :)

Things are going swell.  My wife and I still have emotionally charged discussions about this, but it's just because it's an important issue.  We're not fighting or disagreeing.  My wife is troubled because I broke her trust some along the way (no i've never done this before.  yes i'll stop.  it's just a thing i wanted to try.  etc...)  She understands that I believed some of that myself, and other things I just really wanted to be true. 

She's told her sister and her best friend about it, and both have been supportive to us.  After I figured things out, I quickly became ok with myself, and ok with being 'outed'.  As soon as I knew I was transgendered and could admit it to myself, I was perfectly ok with everyone else knowing too.  I feel really lucky that I know who I am, and I'm comfortable with it, and that my wife is there for me.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

A new plan

So, my last post left off with my realizing that I really feel like a girl inside, and I was very sad because that's kinda incompatible with my wife's sexuality.  It's been very difficult for me to be completely honest about this, even to myself, as there's lots of reasons why that's undesirable.  A prime reason is that my wife is a heterosexual female and even though she loves me, she wants to be with a guy.  In particular, the guy she married. 

We talked more, and she felt better.  I think with me more defined, it's easier for her to figure out what she needs to do.  So she rationed that given the choice between me exploring my female side without her, and kinda developing separate lives, that she'd rather be accommodating and embrace my girlishness so it can be something we do together.  The other side of that is that she wants there to be less dichotomy between my 2 sides, so I'm not changing so much between guy and girl. 

Really, for the last couple of weeks, I haven't felt like I have 2 sides.  I've accepted my female side; stopped pushing it away; and internally I've just been happy without trying to label myself or fit in a mold.  I dressed up fully in my own clothes for the first time a few days ago.  It was very nice for my eyes to see my body match my feelings.  But when I was done, I really felt like the clothes were just frosting on the cupcake.  They didn't really change me, which is a good thing.  I'm not dependent on my clothes or appearance for my self-image.  I shouldn't be surprised, as I've always been very self-assured.

After my wife and I talked, like I said, she felt better.   I, however, was quite nervous.  More than ever I felt certain I was a girl inside.  My wife being accommodating really wouldn't make much difference if I was going to end up changing and driving her away.  She was very convinced that her being more accommodating in private would keep me from from needing to change in public, and so I feigned happiness and we went to bed.  The next day I was more nervous than ever.  I desperately wanted things to be OK, but I didn't know how I could be sure that they would be.  I was super busy, and really wanted a chance to sit and think to myself and figure things out.  I was busy working in the morning, and finally at lunch I went and sat in my car and just sat in silence and thought about everything.

I realized that since my clothes and body don't make much of a difference to my self-image and who I am, that they're really kinda a choice to me.  I can't change who I am, or how I feel inside, but I can choose how I present myself.  And I'm confident enough that I can present myself as a guy and it doesn't bother me.  So, I'm more confident now that things will work out, without having to flip my life upside down.

So that was yesterday.  I'm still feeling good.  My wife has went above and beyond since.  She painted my toenails clear last night, and bought me some unisex-looking but women's sleep pants today, and some fruity flavored chap-stick.  And, we may have some time to ourselves tomorrow, and she talked about going and getting facials or going shopping together.  I think she's pushing herself a bit farther than she's comfortable, but she seems OK. And I've _loved_ it. 

A small part of me feels like I'm not bring brave, and not being honest with myself.  I really think it's more that it's not only me that's affected by this, but me, my wife, and kids, and so I need to find something that's the best option for all of us.  I feel like this is good.  I feel like I have more control, and feel more comfortable with myself than I ever have.

Rollercoaster down

So, after riding high for a few days, I'm having trouble again today.  My wife and I were talking last night, and she hasn't been dealing with things as well as I have.  She worries that this won't be enough for me, and that I'll need to transition, and she'll have to leave me because she's into guys.  I haven't been able to soothe her fears.  Even though I don't feel like I need to transition now, I don't feel like I could promise I wouldn't ever feel that way.  After all, I like the idea of being a girl, I just don't want the pain and collateral damage it would cause. 

Strangely enough, it never really dawned on me that she'd leave me because of that.  When I considered how I'd feel if the situation were reversed, I just thought I'd be gay and love boy-Wife.  It isn't fair of me to expect that she could change her sexual orientation to be with girl-Me, just as she doesn't expect me to choose my gender identity.  I feel bad for being so selfish about that now.

We talked for a long time, and I cried more than I have in years.  I think my crying made her feel better, in a way.  I'm usually kinda emotionless, and she's a worrier, so I think me worrying about things helped validate her worries. 

It's been a few days since I started this post, and things have changed again in the meantime.  I just wanted to write everything out about that point in time before I continued.  Being able to write everything out has really helped me think through and articulate a lot of this stuff.  Anyhow, I'm feeling better, my wife and I are taking this on in a slightly different way, and I'll update again when I get a chance.

Sunday, November 21, 2010


It's rare that I dream, or at least rare that I remember them.  I like to believe in the Emotional Selection theory of why we dream, which is basically that it's a way for our brain to play out situations and test emotional responses to them and judge if they are appropriate.  I think in general, I've had things figured out for a while (my gender identity being a notable exception), and that there aren't many new situations I may encounter and not be prepared to handle, and that's related to my lack of dream recall.

But last night I dreamed as a girl.  I was at some fancy country club type place, outdoors, and there were some people gambling over a shuffleboard type game.  I had walked toward the end of the grassy alley where the rolled balls were landing, and a red one stopped by my foot, and got people in an uproar.  That's it. /shrug

My wife went out drinking with friends last night until 2:00a while I stayed home and watched the kids.  We had all kinds of drunken sex last night when she arrived home, which was very nice.  We had a brief (~ 4 days) hiatus from sex after I came out.  Both of us were just not feeling very comfortable with each other and situation, but I'm happy to report that's subsiding.  My worries that she would stop loving me or wanting to be with me are gone, as long as I live by the limits we set (this shouldn't affect job/kids, and that I don't permanently lose the guy traits that she loves), which are both things that I want too.  I think that her worries are going away too.  I'm starting to honestly feel like this is an enhancement to my life, rather than a detriment.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Best day evar

I had a really really good day.  I went shopping this morning and picked up my very first clothes of my very own, and first makeup.  It was a great experience, and I'm super proud of myself, happy to have my new clothes, and happy that my wife was ok with it.

I tried my clothes on later in the morning when I got a chance, and almost cried.  I was really able to see myself.  My clothes fit really well considering my inexperience and hastiness.  My shirt looked really good on me.  My jeans were a little big, but they fit.  And they were a super good bargain (on sale, and then they run up even cheaper than marked!) so I'm forgiving.  My body lines looked so good and curvy.  It was just a wonderful, wonderful feeling.  It was the first time I've felt really disappointed about going back to boy-mode.

My wife has been really understanding all day.  I think she's finding some peace with it.  She confided today that her worry is less about me being a girl, and more about not being a guy.  There's lots of things about me being a guy that she loves and doesn't want to give up.  That makes sense to me, and is easier for me to deal with than her not liking my female side.

First trip to the store

I woke up early this morning.  Like most mornings I wake up early, I daydreamed about going shopping for makeup and clothes.  But this morning was different.  My wife knows my secret.  This morning I had the confidence to do it. 

So, I got out of bed, got dressed (boy-mode), got my car keys... and realized I forgot my phone in the bedroom.  Crap.  So I quietly went back into the bedroom, and Wife woke up.  So I told her I was going off to shop for myself, and she was ok, so off I went.  Bravely got into the car, and drove there.  Bravely entered the store.  Bravely picked out cinnamon rolls for breakfast.  Bravely walked to the other side of the store to makeup.  Nervously walked past the makeup aisles.  Ha!  I could do this.  It's National Transgender remembrance day for $deity sakes.  

Pulled myself together, walked down the aisle, Floor Sweeper! Crap!  Dart away.  No, I can do this.  Walked down the aisle and started looking.  OMG this is tough.  There's so many things and I don't know what I want.  My makeup guide says mascara, eyeliner, lip gloss, blush, concealer.  Why are there so many things, and why are so many of the good colors out of stock!  Oo.. there's nail polish.  That sounds fun.  I'll get that.  Lip gloss, check.  So many eye shadows, and those aren't on my list, so ignoring for now.  Walking back and forth, trying to be confident.  I don't want to leave with just nail polish and lip gloss.  With as much effort as I've put into thinking about this, I need to make it worth it.  Ooo.. there's mascara.  Brown/black, done.  Yay me.  As I was walking away from the aisle, I saw another boy-dressed person walk past the aisle, then quickly dart in a pick something up before walking out.  I was more confident than that.  I'm proud of myself.  Next, lets look at clothes.

I walk into the empty Women's clothing section, hoping to find a 36A bra, and maybe something uni-sex looking to sleep in.  36A bra's just don't exist, do they?  Looked at 34A bras, and even they were expecting to be filled with more boob than I have.  Seems like that's not to be.  Oh well, look around.  Found some nice panties in my size (I think!).  Oh wow, those jeans are cute!  And on sale!  Gawd I love a bargain.  Ok, if I'm buying jeans, I need a top.  This T is cute, and it says Rookie on it.  That's me!  And they have it in my size.  Score!.  So, How about sleepwear.  Too girly.  My legs are too long.  This is too ugly.  Nope, not today.  Hey, they have wireless, shapeless bras that are just S,M,L.  Hm, that might work.  OK, arm is twisted, I'll pick one up.   I think that's good.  Now need to checkout.

I picked this store because I knew it'd be mostly empty, and they have self-checkout.  The self-checkouts are empty, apart from the cashier overseeing them.  Super.  I'm feeling cautiously confident, still.  I hope the cashier doesn't offer to help be bag, but I'll be ok if she does.  I get everything rung up and bagged without incident.  All done, items in bag.  I did it!  Yay me! 

I walked into the store when it was dark, and came out to sunlight.  The metaphor wasn't lost on me.  Driving home, Shania Twain's I feel a woman came on the radio.  I don't normally listen to stations that would play that, so it's a stunning coincidence.  I really couldn't have made this stuff up.

I got home, and my wife was laying in bed looking at the internets on her phone.  I was very happy walking in, and told her about the song, and about my good bargains.  I asked if she wanted to look through things with me, and she said she couldn't yet.  I snuggled her for a bit, and a couple minutes later her curiosity took over, and she changed her mind.  She said, "I like looking at clothes, so ok."  So I took everything out one by one, and let her to critique my purchases and give me tips on sizing and style.  It was a wonderful morning. 

Friday, November 19, 2010

Wife struggling

I was excited when I came out to my wife, and felt like I could live out of the closet more.  That hasn't really turned out to be.  She wants to be accepting, but she's not.  She's ok with everything, so long as she can ignore it and it doesn't affect her.  (But she's fine with me cleaning lots, and cooking, and being understanding, and being compassionate, and all the other things my feminine side brings forth.)

She hasn't been hostile about it, but she really just doesn't know how to mesh her feelings about being hetero and wanting to be the girl and wanting things to be like they have been, with her wanting to allow me to be me and not to be judgmental. 

She asked last night what would be ideal for me.  I told her that I wish we could talk about it like friends.  Like, she was looking at dresses online earlier, and I wished that we could look/talk about together.  Or, if she was out and happened to pick up something nice for me (makeup, clothes, etc).

It's a lot to ask for, given her current state of (non-)acceptance.  I'm just so used to her being my best friend, that's it's tough to be distant from her about this.  I'm trying to do my best about not pushing her boundaries (and haven't even dressed up in private since I came out).

I hope she comes to terms with it soon.   

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Left handed

I read something the other day that made a lot of sense to me.  It compared crossdressing to being left handed.  People that are left handed can use the hand that everybody else uses, but it's frustrating and doesn't feel right.

I've felt like that a lot lately. 

I had to stop at Target earlier tonight.  I was alone (and I rarely get to shop alone) and contemplated picking up my first makeup.  I really would have liked to, and was feeling brave enough to do it, but worried that my wife would have freaked if she found out.  She has said she'll be ok with it.. but I don't feel like she's there yet and I don't want to push boundaries.  I feel like I'm in hiding again. 

Tuesday, November 16, 2010


I really crave feeling accepted right now.  Before, I've always been incredibly self-assured.  I was always comfortable with my abilities and my limitations, and didn't need reassurance from anyone else to increase my self-confidence.

Since I'm fairly comfortable with myself right now (without even knowing exactly how to classify myself), the other thing I desire is my wife's acceptance.  She's trying, but this is a bit out of her comfort zone.  I don't normally need other people's approval (even hers), but I do with this.  I think it's from fear that her lack of acceptance will lead to her distancing herself from me.

I think she's progressing well, but it doesn't stop me from worrying.  And it doesn't stop me from feeling an overwhelming need for acceptance and approval.

Monday, November 15, 2010

I usually have lots to write about, but not so much tonight.  I made tacos and guacamole for dinner, which turned out well.  I was hoping for some mattress mambo last night, but wifey wasn't feeling very comfortable with everything yet.  I made sure she knew she could see a therapist about all this too.  She's very talkative, and part of her struggle with this is that she has no one to talk to without 'outing' me.  I wouldn't really care (right now, I _really_ want acceptance, wherever I can get it), but understand that not everyone would be accepting and I don't want to drive friends of hers away.

As far as myself, I'm doing well, other than sadness that I'm making my wife sad.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Feeling better

Yesterday was the happiest I've been in a long time.  I spent the day feeling ok with myself, and allowing myself to enjoy things I like, feminine or not.  I went grocery shopping and picked up face wash for my wife, and walked past the makeup and was happy because I felt like I could stop and look and covertly pick something up and not be ashamed later.  I didn't, because the store was busy, and don't currently feel the need to dress, but it was great that I felt like I could.  I know it's baby steps, but I'm super happy.

My sister in law just had a baby, and my wife has been excited about being able to buy girl toys for our niece.  She got an American Girl catalog, and it was nice to be able to look through it together and not feel dismissive or embarrassed.  I could just look through it and be happy.   I feel like I'm finding some balance.

I read through the Standards of Care for the first time last night.  I hadn't understood that there was middle ground between having Gender Confirmation Surgery and repressing everything.  At first when I was coming to terms with my feelings, I had felt like they weren't strong enough and pervasive enough that I wanted to go through difficulty of GCS, and so I must just be male and that was that.  Which made my feminine feelings that much stronger.  Now, I see there's people that are satisfied by episodic cross dressing, or by other things 'in the middle'.  Which I knew, but just never really considered may be a final state.

So I'm reconsidering therapy.  I didn't want to see someone that wanted to 'fix me' so I was male (i.e., repress everything), and I didn't want to see someone that said 'hormones and surgery', because that's not a path that I'm ready to permanently go down either.  If a therapist can help me find something in the middle so that I and my family and can be happy, then that's a good thing.

Saturday, November 13, 2010


This has been a back and forth few days.  After committing to repress my feelings, and trying for a day, and being sad, my wife and I talked again.   She doesn't want to hurt me, or to keep me from being who I really am.  But she's also not interested in having a sexual relationship with a woman, and is worried that she won't be what I want when I figure myself out.

I'm not sure of lots of things right now, but I've always felt like she's the only one I want to be with.  No matter how much I reassure her of that, she still worries.  She has trust issues from previous relationships/childhood, and this has turned her world upside down some, so I'm not surprised.  I really love her lots, and feel a bit of guilt over how much anguish this has caused her already.  I worry that my trip down this rabbit hole will hurt her more.

So, we talked, and set some limits, and she's ok with me trying to figure this out more.  She's suggested a gender therapist twice now, and mentioned gender dysphoria, so I know she's been reading on her own.  Seeing a therapist scares me.  I did that briefly when I was a younger, and have never felt comfortable talking to a stranger about my innermost feelings.  Also, I still fear whatever this is, and worry about discovering things that will drive my wife away.

My wife said she'd be ok with me dressing up completely sometime.  I've had her clothes on occasionally without her, but would like something of my own, and my own wig and makeup.   She left it open if she'd be involved or not (and probably not sober if she is).  I wish she'd be there with me, but I'll be ok if she's not.  I'd rather not make her uncomfortable, and wouldn't want her dealing with her feelings about it to get in the way of me dealing with mine.

When I was trying to repress everything, I was trying to block out and avoid anything feminine.  There were a lot of things I noticed that trigger feelings for me.  My skin was dry and I wanted to facial mask like I had before with my wife.  She started talking about her eyelash brush having clumps, and I tried to be disinterested.  She rubbed my chest as we laying in bed and talked, and it felt really good, but I didn't want it to.  She fell asleep before me, and I wished I could get out of bed and dress.  

So, my plan going forward is just to be myself.  It's a welcome change from trying to actively suppress my feminine feelings.  I'm happy to know that dressing up is an option, but I'm going to try just being myself and allowing myself to feel and express myself however feels best.  I'm happier.  My wife feels better.  So this seems good for now.  I'm hopeful for the future again.

Friday, November 12, 2010

Last Post...

Well.. this was a short blog.

I was just discovering my feelings when I started this blog a week or so ago.  I felt like I had enough acceptance from my wife to explore and figure out what was going on.  To be blunt, my wife changed her mind.  She isn't accepting of my crossdressing and is worried of what it will lead to.  She mentioned divorce.

While I'd love to figure out what's going on, I think I must just keep everything repressed.  I have a wonderful life, and more success in life, work, and home than anyone could rightfully deserve.  I don't feel it's right for me to bring such difficulty into the lives of my wife and kids.

I've been doing a lot of reading on gender identity disorder, and blogs of transgender people that are all much braver than I.  I read people's stories, and was able to identify with lots of anecdotes and feelings.  I think if I was braver and could explore my feelings more, ...

I'm sad that I'll never find out what the end of that sentence is.  But please don't be sad for me.  Just continue to fight vehemently for LBGT causes.  Fight, so that the stigmas attached are not such a burden, and that others will be able to come out.

Thank you for reading.  This has been a short journey for me, but it was an emotional and impactful one.   I've definitely changed along the way, for the better.  I have so much love and respect for those going through this difficult journey (esp. Jerica Truax, who resonated with me in so many ways, and made me feel so hopeful through this tough time).  I haven't always been as respectful and tolerant of others, and I'm now resolved to be a much better person.

Monday, November 8, 2010

Crying on the inside

Today has been a tough day.  I was busy, but still had time to contemplate yesterday's events.  I suffered from depression as a teenager, and still have to struggle against taking my sadness to dark places.  I think that's a battle I'll always be fighting.  I'm proud of myself that I continue to do better, and this was happily no exception.

My wife is my best friend, and the only person that knows my secret.  It hurts that she's not accepting of me.  I'm ashamed that I'm something to be disgusted by.  This is not how I want to feel.

Mel is dead (just figuratively)

Sadly, Melonie was murdered tonight.  I sat down with my wife and we discussed the cross dressing.  For being a staunch liberal, she was less than understanding.  She didn't want to stifle me, but also made it perfectly clear that she doesn't want to be involved and that she finds it disgusting and that despite my pleadings otherwise, she worries that I'll turn gay.

She's otherwise a very caring and compassionate and understanding person.  But I understand this hits a bit close to home, so to speak.  If she revealed some quirk that would make her a social pariah if revealed publicly, and made me question our longevity together, I'd probably react the same way.

I'm not one to cry often (ever, really), but this is something that makes me very sad.  I had such fantasies of being dolled up like a pretty princess, and my best friend accepting me.  But, it seems it is not to be.

Strangely to me, she says she's ok with me wearing panties on occasion.  That's been a fun bedroom thing we've done lately, using inducing some playful spanking.  I don't understand how that's ok but going whole hog is not.  If dressing like a girl makes my wife uncomfortable, it takes the pleasure out of it for me and I don't want to do it.  I didn't promise I wouldn't (and my wife didn't ask me to), because I worry I couldn't keep the promise.  Sometimes, I really feel compelled to dress up.

I don't know where we go from here, but I feel like my wife and I are driving away, and I'm looking back through the rear window at Mel, crying by the side of the road, left in the dust.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

More about me

I don't know if there's such a thing as a typical cross-dresser.  I don't think I fit in, but I'm sure most people feel like they don't fit into any particular stereotype.  I'm not gay.  I've always been rather fond of anal sex toys, but not the least bit attracted to guys.  I also have no desire to have a sex change.  I have nothing but respect for people that feel they need to do that, and go through all the hard work.  But I don't want to be a girl full time.  I like being a guy most of the time.  I had the thought that if I could flip a switch and change back and forth to a woman's body, I'd do it sometimes, but I think I'd be a guy most of the time.

First Post!

Hello!  This is my private blog, recording my thoughts as I try to figure out how to deal with being a cross-dresser.

I like being a cross-dresser.  It makes me happy to wear women's clothes.  I love how I feel when I'm thinking about dressing up.  I love how I feel when I am dressed up.

I only recently started, but in retrospect, it kinda makes sense.  I stole my sister's ill-fitting panties once or twice when I was a kid, and remember liking it then.  About a year ago ago, I put on my wife's panties.  I don't know why I did, it just seemed like a reasonable, naughty thing to try.  Whatever subconscious force compelled me to do it, it knew what it was doing.  I totally dug it.

So, I say that I'm a cross-dresser, but truthfully, I don't get to.  I've snuck into my wife's clothes a few times when she's away, and once when she dressed me up a little, complete with makeup (which I'm sure I'll expound upon soon).  But it's not an active ongoing thing.  I don't know if I want it to be.   I really enjoy it, but it definitely has downsides.  My wife isn't at all onboard, and it makes me feel somewhat ashamed.  There's certainly a social stigma which I would rather not endure, but absolutely cannot allow to be thrust upon my kids.  And so, Melonie's (that's what I'll call my feminine alter-ego) underwear stay confined to her drawer.  Most of the time.