Tuesday, November 23, 2010

A new plan

So, my last post left off with my realizing that I really feel like a girl inside, and I was very sad because that's kinda incompatible with my wife's sexuality.  It's been very difficult for me to be completely honest about this, even to myself, as there's lots of reasons why that's undesirable.  A prime reason is that my wife is a heterosexual female and even though she loves me, she wants to be with a guy.  In particular, the guy she married. 

We talked more, and she felt better.  I think with me more defined, it's easier for her to figure out what she needs to do.  So she rationed that given the choice between me exploring my female side without her, and kinda developing separate lives, that she'd rather be accommodating and embrace my girlishness so it can be something we do together.  The other side of that is that she wants there to be less dichotomy between my 2 sides, so I'm not changing so much between guy and girl. 

Really, for the last couple of weeks, I haven't felt like I have 2 sides.  I've accepted my female side; stopped pushing it away; and internally I've just been happy without trying to label myself or fit in a mold.  I dressed up fully in my own clothes for the first time a few days ago.  It was very nice for my eyes to see my body match my feelings.  But when I was done, I really felt like the clothes were just frosting on the cupcake.  They didn't really change me, which is a good thing.  I'm not dependent on my clothes or appearance for my self-image.  I shouldn't be surprised, as I've always been very self-assured.

After my wife and I talked, like I said, she felt better.   I, however, was quite nervous.  More than ever I felt certain I was a girl inside.  My wife being accommodating really wouldn't make much difference if I was going to end up changing and driving her away.  She was very convinced that her being more accommodating in private would keep me from from needing to change in public, and so I feigned happiness and we went to bed.  The next day I was more nervous than ever.  I desperately wanted things to be OK, but I didn't know how I could be sure that they would be.  I was super busy, and really wanted a chance to sit and think to myself and figure things out.  I was busy working in the morning, and finally at lunch I went and sat in my car and just sat in silence and thought about everything.

I realized that since my clothes and body don't make much of a difference to my self-image and who I am, that they're really kinda a choice to me.  I can't change who I am, or how I feel inside, but I can choose how I present myself.  And I'm confident enough that I can present myself as a guy and it doesn't bother me.  So, I'm more confident now that things will work out, without having to flip my life upside down.

So that was yesterday.  I'm still feeling good.  My wife has went above and beyond since.  She painted my toenails clear last night, and bought me some unisex-looking but women's sleep pants today, and some fruity flavored chap-stick.  And, we may have some time to ourselves tomorrow, and she talked about going and getting facials or going shopping together.  I think she's pushing herself a bit farther than she's comfortable, but she seems OK. And I've _loved_ it. 

A small part of me feels like I'm not bring brave, and not being honest with myself.  I really think it's more that it's not only me that's affected by this, but me, my wife, and kids, and so I need to find something that's the best option for all of us.  I feel like this is good.  I feel like I have more control, and feel more comfortable with myself than I ever have.

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