First trip to the store

I woke up early this morning.  Like most mornings I wake up early, I daydreamed about going shopping for makeup and clothes.  But this morning was different.  My wife knows my secret.  This morning I had the confidence to do it. 

So, I got out of bed, got dressed (boy-mode), got my car keys... and realized I forgot my phone in the bedroom.  Crap.  So I quietly went back into the bedroom, and Wife woke up.  So I told her I was going off to shop for myself, and she was ok, so off I went.  Bravely got into the car, and drove there.  Bravely entered the store.  Bravely picked out cinnamon rolls for breakfast.  Bravely walked to the other side of the store to makeup.  Nervously walked past the makeup aisles.  Ha!  I could do this.  It's National Transgender remembrance day for $deity sakes.  

Pulled myself together, walked down the aisle, Floor Sweeper! Crap!  Dart away.  No, I can do this.  Walked down the aisle and started looking.  OMG this is tough.  There's so many things and I don't know what I want.  My makeup guide says mascara, eyeliner, lip gloss, blush, concealer.  Why are there so many things, and why are so many of the good colors out of stock!  Oo.. there's nail polish.  That sounds fun.  I'll get that.  Lip gloss, check.  So many eye shadows, and those aren't on my list, so ignoring for now.  Walking back and forth, trying to be confident.  I don't want to leave with just nail polish and lip gloss.  With as much effort as I've put into thinking about this, I need to make it worth it.  Ooo.. there's mascara.  Brown/black, done.  Yay me.  As I was walking away from the aisle, I saw another boy-dressed person walk past the aisle, then quickly dart in a pick something up before walking out.  I was more confident than that.  I'm proud of myself.  Next, lets look at clothes.

I walk into the empty Women's clothing section, hoping to find a 36A bra, and maybe something uni-sex looking to sleep in.  36A bra's just don't exist, do they?  Looked at 34A bras, and even they were expecting to be filled with more boob than I have.  Seems like that's not to be.  Oh well, look around.  Found some nice panties in my size (I think!).  Oh wow, those jeans are cute!  And on sale!  Gawd I love a bargain.  Ok, if I'm buying jeans, I need a top.  This T is cute, and it says Rookie on it.  That's me!  And they have it in my size.  Score!.  So, How about sleepwear.  Too girly.  My legs are too long.  This is too ugly.  Nope, not today.  Hey, they have wireless, shapeless bras that are just S,M,L.  Hm, that might work.  OK, arm is twisted, I'll pick one up.   I think that's good.  Now need to checkout.

I picked this store because I knew it'd be mostly empty, and they have self-checkout.  The self-checkouts are empty, apart from the cashier overseeing them.  Super.  I'm feeling cautiously confident, still.  I hope the cashier doesn't offer to help be bag, but I'll be ok if she does.  I get everything rung up and bagged without incident.  All done, items in bag.  I did it!  Yay me! 

I walked into the store when it was dark, and came out to sunlight.  The metaphor wasn't lost on me.  Driving home, Shania Twain's I feel a woman came on the radio.  I don't normally listen to stations that would play that, so it's a stunning coincidence.  I really couldn't have made this stuff up.

I got home, and my wife was laying in bed looking at the internets on her phone.  I was very happy walking in, and told her about the song, and about my good bargains.  I asked if she wanted to look through things with me, and she said she couldn't yet.  I snuggled her for a bit, and a couple minutes later her curiosity took over, and she changed her mind.  She said, "I like looking at clothes, so ok."  So I took everything out one by one, and let her to critique my purchases and give me tips on sizing and style.  It was a wonderful morning. 

Wife struggling

I was excited when I came out to my wife, and felt like I could live out of the closet more.  That hasn't really turned out to be.  She wants to be accepting, but she's not.  She's ok with everything, so long as she can ignore it and it doesn't affect her.  (But she's fine with me cleaning lots, and cooking, and being understanding, and being compassionate, and all the other things my feminine side brings forth.)

She hasn't been hostile about it, but she really just doesn't know how to mesh her feelings about being hetero and wanting to be the girl and wanting things to be like they have been, with her wanting to allow me to be me and not to be judgmental. 

She asked last night what would be ideal for me.  I told her that I wish we could talk about it like friends.  Like, she was looking at dresses online earlier, and I wished that we could look/talk about together.  Or, if she was out and happened to pick up something nice for me (makeup, clothes, etc).

It's a lot to ask for, given her current state of (non-)acceptance.  I'm just so used to her being my best friend, that's it's tough to be distant from her about this.  I'm trying to do my best about not pushing her boundaries (and haven't even dressed up in private since I came out).

I hope she comes to terms with it soon.   

Left handed

I read something the other day that made a lot of sense to me.  It compared crossdressing to being left handed.  People that are left handed can use the hand that everybody else uses, but it's frustrating and doesn't feel right.

I've felt like that a lot lately. 

I had to stop at Target earlier tonight.  I was alone (and I rarely get to shop alone) and contemplated picking up my first makeup.  I really would have liked to, and was feeling brave enough to do it, but worried that my wife would have freaked if she found out.  She has said she'll be ok with it.. but I don't feel like she's there yet and I don't want to push boundaries.  I feel like I'm in hiding again. 

Acceptance

I really crave feeling accepted right now.  Before, I've always been incredibly self-assured.  I was always comfortable with my abilities and my limitations, and didn't need reassurance from anyone else to increase my self-confidence.

Since I'm fairly comfortable with myself right now (without even knowing exactly how to classify myself), the other thing I desire is my wife's acceptance.  She's trying, but this is a bit out of her comfort zone.  I don't normally need other people's approval (even hers), but I do with this.  I think it's from fear that her lack of acceptance will lead to her distancing herself from me.

I think she's progressing well, but it doesn't stop me from worrying.  And it doesn't stop me from feeling an overwhelming need for acceptance and approval.

I usually have lots to write about, but not so much tonight.  I made tacos and guacamole for dinner, which turned out well.  I was hoping for some mattress mambo last night, but wifey wasn't feeling very comfortable with everything yet.  I made sure she knew she could see a therapist about all this too.  She's very talkative, and part of her struggle with this is that she has no one to talk to without 'outing' me.  I wouldn't really care (right now, I _really_ want acceptance, wherever I can get it), but understand that not everyone would be accepting and I don't want to drive friends of hers away.

As far as myself, I'm doing well, other than sadness that I'm making my wife sad.

Feeling better

Yesterday was the happiest I've been in a long time.  I spent the day feeling ok with myself, and allowing myself to enjoy things I like, feminine or not.  I went grocery shopping and picked up face wash for my wife, and walked past the makeup and was happy because I felt like I could stop and look and covertly pick something up and not be ashamed later.  I didn't, because the store was busy, and don't currently feel the need to dress, but it was great that I felt like I could.  I know it's baby steps, but I'm super happy.

My sister in law just had a baby, and my wife has been excited about being able to buy girl toys for our niece.  She got an American Girl catalog, and it was nice to be able to look through it together and not feel dismissive or embarrassed.  I could just look through it and be happy.   I feel like I'm finding some balance.

I read through the Standards of Care for the first time last night.  I hadn't understood that there was middle ground between having Gender Confirmation Surgery and repressing everything.  At first when I was coming to terms with my feelings, I had felt like they weren't strong enough and pervasive enough that I wanted to go through difficulty of GCS, and so I must just be male and that was that.  Which made my feminine feelings that much stronger.  Now, I see there's people that are satisfied by episodic cross dressing, or by other things 'in the middle'.  Which I knew, but just never really considered may be a final state.

So I'm reconsidering therapy.  I didn't want to see someone that wanted to 'fix me' so I was male (i.e., repress everything), and I didn't want to see someone that said 'hormones and surgery', because that's not a path that I'm ready to permanently go down either.  If a therapist can help me find something in the middle so that I and my family and can be happy, then that's a good thing.

Reprieve

This has been a back and forth few days.  After committing to repress my feelings, and trying for a day, and being sad, my wife and I talked again.   She doesn't want to hurt me, or to keep me from being who I really am.  But she's also not interested in having a sexual relationship with a woman, and is worried that she won't be what I want when I figure myself out.

I'm not sure of lots of things right now, but I've always felt like she's the only one I want to be with.  No matter how much I reassure her of that, she still worries.  She has trust issues from previous relationships/childhood, and this has turned her world upside down some, so I'm not surprised.  I really love her lots, and feel a bit of guilt over how much anguish this has caused her already.  I worry that my trip down this rabbit hole will hurt her more.

So, we talked, and set some limits, and she's ok with me trying to figure this out more.  She's suggested a gender therapist twice now, and mentioned gender dysphoria, so I know she's been reading on her own.  Seeing a therapist scares me.  I did that briefly when I was a younger, and have never felt comfortable talking to a stranger about my innermost feelings.  Also, I still fear whatever this is, and worry about discovering things that will drive my wife away.

My wife said she'd be ok with me dressing up completely sometime.  I've had her clothes on occasionally without her, but would like something of my own, and my own wig and makeup.   She left it open if she'd be involved or not (and probably not sober if she is).  I wish she'd be there with me, but I'll be ok if she's not.  I'd rather not make her uncomfortable, and wouldn't want her dealing with her feelings about it to get in the way of me dealing with mine.

When I was trying to repress everything, I was trying to block out and avoid anything feminine.  There were a lot of things I noticed that trigger feelings for me.  My skin was dry and I wanted to facial mask like I had before with my wife.  She started talking about her eyelash brush having clumps, and I tried to be disinterested.  She rubbed my chest as we laying in bed and talked, and it felt really good, but I didn't want it to.  She fell asleep before me, and I wished I could get out of bed and dress.  

So, my plan going forward is just to be myself.  It's a welcome change from trying to actively suppress my feminine feelings.  I'm happy to know that dressing up is an option, but I'm going to try just being myself and allowing myself to feel and express myself however feels best.  I'm happier.  My wife feels better.  So this seems good for now.  I'm hopeful for the future again.